(thoughts @ 2am)
I guess all I’m trying to wrap my head around, is the fact that life does not stop. It doesn’t stop when you go through a debilitating heartbreak, or when your mum dies or even if your cat died when you were six. However much I make myself out to be the ‘main character’, I always tend to fall short. And I wonder why that is, but I guess when you’re stuck in a constant phase of liminality, you are always stuck in transition. Always between two places- never at home in either. For me, my two places are my past and my future.
The future for me is a place where I have invested all my time, therefore all my present. The past is a space that’s created through my constant need for retrospective validation. Validating past achievements, trauma and emotions. I know that the answer is simple, ‘slow down, breathe’, but I don’t want that, I don’t want to slow down or breathe, I want to get on a one way ride to the future I have created in my head. I want to get rid of my past, but I can’t anymore; it’s the reasoning behind my future.
So whilst I lay here, rationalising my situation, I exist in another dimension. One where I am not stuck, one where I am in the present, one where I am not held back by my past or tied to my future. But all the reasoning in the world cannot make me like that dimension. I think I finally took matters into my own hands and created my happiness. I just need to wait.